Mommy Smell

That little girl of mine can melt my heart sometime. I base a lot of my memories on smell, certain scents bring back certain memories.
Anytime I smell Chanel perfume, I think of my mom. It is her smell and I can pick it out anywhere. I love it!!
Gwendolyn and I were cuddling on the couch yesterday and she pauses and leans in close to me and sniffs. She then lovingly says, "you smell like Mommy". Ahhhhh, I loved hearing that. I had no perfume on and had actually not showered yet, but I must have had my natural mom smell going on. Still brings a smile to my face.

Stress

I hate when another persons mood and stress carries over and is able to affect me. I like to think that is the only issue and there is nothing else to worry about. Aack, life can be overwhelming sometimes.

Oh, and HATE seasonal allergies.

I feel selfish...

I feel selfish because part of my concern with the whole T situation is how it will affect the Garden. I worry that it is driving women away and I hate the idea of losing my Garden gals. I have come to rely on them so much over the last few years and can't imagine not having them around. It still amazes me that they all hold such a big spot in my heart, when I have only met 2 of them in real life. I have seen a few ladies "voice" their hurt and betrayal and thoughts of not coming around for a while or ever. That bums me out so much. Coincidentally, the Garden site has been changed and you log in elsewhere. My panic at not being able to access my online world was significant. I can't imagine not having these ladies in my life.
So now I feel like a heel for thinking of myself when there is obviously another who deserves more attention.

Huge decision to make for my future

This all seems trivial in comparison to what another friend is facing right now. T, my heart goes out to you.
As for in my world, I need to decide if I am going to work for my family business or continue where I am.
I work at a Non-profit organization and have for 7 years.
It is a Youth Court program, a diversion from the formal juvenile justice system. We have youth who are trained as attorneys and take real juvenile cases to court. I have been slacking off lately (last couple of years) and know I am doing the program a disservice and someone could really expand my position. Damn Gardening time is much more fun than actual work, LOL, I know some of you can relate. I love my work and get enjoyment and satisfaction from my work with the kids. I can still volunteer with them or be on the Board of Directors and be super useful there. I work m-f, 9:30-5, later on thursdays since that is court night. Occasional saturdays for special occasions. I get to travel once a year for a conference of some sort. I have no retirement to consider.

New job would be in the office, with no out and about during the day. Laid back atmosphere, answering phones and data entry. I would job share with my SIL, three days a week, 7:30-4:30. So, 2 extra days with the kiddos. I would take a loss of $2000 a year, but would probably make up for that with not eating out at lunch. It has old school dial up, but I would probably force the DSL issue. If and when we have more kids, I could bring them to this office as well. It would ease up the burden on MIL of watching them 5 days a week, to only 3. My dad would be my boss, not sure if that is a pro or con? There will probably be retirement in the future, but we don't have that arranged right now.
There are way more thoughts and pros and cons, but this is a start to my thought process.

More thoughts..
The set-up would not be a controlling boss kinda thing, more just that he is ultimately in charge. When he is ready to retire in 4 years my DH would then assume that position. And he sure the hell would not be my boss, LOL
I have been dreading taking on any new projects at work and there are lots of areas that I could really expand the program. I have been mentally done with ambition here for a while. I am nervous about giving up this job, since it is sooo cake and comfortable. I don't imagine it would ever come back around again, I would just have to be happy where I was at. I do like the feeling I have of importance in the community and the connections I have made.I don't dread going to work, but I slack off all day and don't think it is very fair.
All day (3 hours, LOL) that I have been at work I have been mentally relieved when I think ahead to upcoming events and I think to myself "it will be nice to not have to deal with that" Does that mean I have mentally made up my mind and I am already on short timers syndrome?

Look good always....or sometimes?

I was thinking this morning how rare it is that I put effort into my appearance, such as make-up and "done" hair. I know that there are a lot of women out there who won't leave the house without being completely done up. I just don't feel I have the time, most mornings. I shower while the kids are still sleeping and then get dressed and get them up. I come back to me while they are eating breakfast and take the towel off my hair and do as much as I feel like with it. Normally not much. Back to the kids and getting them dressed and we are all out the door.
I am thinking I like my way better. My reasoning is as follows. If you dress up every day and always wear make-up and always do your hair nice, people stop noticing. They then notice if you do nothing and have a "natural" day and then think you look like crap or something is wrong. Me, I am "natural" most days and people tend to notice me and pay me compliments on the days that I put effort in (at least 2 work days a week).
My point is, I would rather be noticed for looking good than looking like crap.

Maternal yearnings

Owen weaned a couple months back, in preparation for my vacation among other things. I am floored by the maternal yearning to pull that child to my breast and nurse him right now. In the couple days leading up to his surgery and ever since, I feel such a pull to that. He is still on the small side and currently not interested in eating even the few things he would previous let past his lips. I am desprate to get him interested in food or find that magic morsel that he will devour. I start thinking to myself, if he was nursing I would know he was getting some nutrients.....oh the mothers heartache. I have crazy thoughts of relactating with my 16 months old, a bit unrealistic.

Gwendolyn-ism

Gwendolyn has a movie at the inlaws called Scamper. It is about a little penguin, she loves it and asks to watch it frequently. Apparently they also picked up Happy Feet this last week, another penguin movie. Which by the way, has taught her to nose dive off the couch and she tried on the stairs but was caught before impact. Anyhow, I was dropping them off this morning and she started asking me where her scamper feet were, while looking at her feet. I am thinking to myself "does she have slippers that I am not aware of"? It finally dawned on me that she wanted to watch Happy Feet and that was her way of asking, toddler style. So cute.

Owen's eye surgery yesterday

Owen has small, clogged tear ducts, that either needed to be probed and popped open or tubed for a time period, to learn to be open. This is the information we had going in to the surgery and we would learn more once Dr. Zambar got in there and poked around. He has had numerous eye infections in the last year and would face a lifetime of them if we didn't correct them now. 18 months is the optimal time to do the surgery.
This is the look he will give you if you ask to see his teeth, LOL.

That was a sucky experience that I hope to never have to go through again. The surgery took two hours and the Dr said Owen's passage was a challenge, but he was up for it. He ended up being middle of the road, not simple, but didn't have to build him any tear ducts. He did have to place 4 tubes into all his ducts and they need to stay for at least 6 months. The sucky part was him coming out of sedation. Wow, that was probably more tramatic for me, but it was no fun. They brought him into the room we were waiting in, after the recovery room, once he came to. His "come to" was only half way there. They are kinda freaked out for up to an hour and just cry because they don't understand the fog they are in. The odd and I do mean odd sounding cry was the hard part. You could tell he had no idea what was going on or where he was, he just cried with an animal instinct (so I cried too). We came home and continued to fight the sedation for the rest of the day. He never napped for more than 20 minutes and when he did he went to sleep crying and would wake with the same animal cry that he had that morning. Fortunately, he slept well last night and woke up 95% himself today.
Now we wait and hope that these stay in and do the trick. There is always the chance that he could pull them out, via the corner of his eye, but they are stiched into his nasal passage and will hurt if he does yank on them. These stiches will disolve in 4 weeks. We also have to be careful when rubbing gunk out of the corner of his eyes to not catch the tubes and pull them out. I actually cannot see them. The said we might be able to see them in the corner of his eye. They are the width of a pencil lead and I think are a shiny silver. He had a little bloody nose off and on yesterday, but otherwise you cannot tell a thing visually.

1st child versus 2nd child

Gwendolyn has been in swim class since she was 10 months old. We go every Saturday and love it. She has always been the star of the class and loves the attention and seems to seek it out. We started Owen on lessons (parent/tot for both of them) when he was 6 months old. It was more that we were already there with Gwendolyn, why not put Owen in the water too theory. Owen has just kinda existed in the class, not digging it nor hating it. Two weeks ago Gwendolyn moved up the the pre-school class and doesn't need me anymore (boohoo). This mean Owen is an only child for the first time in his life. He is LOVING it!! He has taken her spot mentally and wants everyone to notice him and his swim-ability in the class. You can hear him when you walk into the building, he is laughing and having a blast. Prior, he showed no interest in climbing out and jumping in, now he is a pro. It was amazing to watch him blossom without his sister's shadow. Cousin Matia is in the class too and they love to be around each other.
Gwendolyns class is now held right after Owens and I have to stand and watch at the balcony like all the other parents. She is in a class with one other girl and 4 boys. She is doing great. I wish her new teacher would realize her ability before he sets her back to the dog paddle. He holds her hands when she jumps in and helps her swim back to the side of the pool. Let her go fool, she can do it herself. Every few minutes she hollars out for me to make sure I am watching her. Too cute.
I am so proud of my little swimmers.