End in sight???

I spent 7 hours on Wednesday in the ER, due to cramping and pain. I was concerned my tube had ruptured. They gave my wonderful morphine (yummy) twice and an ultrasound. The tube still looked intact and we are happy that the HCG number came down to 1120. I was suprised to learn that at it's highest, it was 2950 or so. We were waiting for Dr Hess to get out of surgery and see me. That is what took forever, but he finally came and said we can keep waiting it out and testing the HCG or we can do surgery. Every time he mentions surgery, the phrase "take out the tube" always comes up. I DON"T WANT TO LOSE MY TUBE!! How clear do I have to make this to every friend and family member who is appalled that I haven't had surgery yet. As long as the number keeps coming down, I will keep playing the waiting game.
I have had a few more real rough pain times since then. When the pain hits, I have about 20 minutes before it is overwhelming and all consuming. I managed to get the kids up and dressed and drove the 10 minutes to my parents house saturday morning, before I was able to take the vicoden and stomache muscle relaxer. It knocks me out for a few hours, but that is the only relief. I had another spell at 3 in the morning last night. Wowza. At least when you are in labor, you are going to receive "something" at the end that makes it all worth it. I am trying to keep that philosophy in mind with this pain, it must be helping and trying to clear out my tube, I'm hoping.
We are now concerned with the effect this is having on my hemaglobin. Those numbers are dropping and we are now monitering them too. I think it is from all the blood I am losing and having drawn. When those numbers go low, you are anemic, I think. That number was 12 and is now 10.2 I was made to have it tested again yesterday and it hadn't changed then and I need to go in again on Monday. My Dr. has given me his pager number and has told me at the end of every visit that his number is in the book, if I need anything. I like that.
Anyhow, I hope all this is pointing to an end in sight

Hockey music

I could hear Gwendolyn over at her little Fisher Price kind of piano the other day, singing away. She finally asks me to sing the hockey song with her. I start paying a little more attention to the words coming out of her mouth. By golly she is attempting the Star Spangle Banner!! That is a heck of a song for a trained professional and she wants to belt it out at 3. She is doing a mighty fine job of it, with some correct word and lots of correct pitch. When she gets to the end of her song she states "now sit down and watch hockey" OMG, LOL!!
We have since practiced the song many more times and I am sure to hear her "help" the professional singer prior to all the College games this winter.
She spent the day yesterday with my parents, fishing on Quartz lake. She did quite well and caught many silver salmons that are stocked into the lake.



Even drove the boat

Preschool followup

Getting ready to leave to school

Goofy girl, with her new Tinkerbell backpack and lunch box :)

So tired looking at the end of her first day of school. You can even see a little bit of her shiner under her right eye. She ran into the table on the ferry boat on vacation.

She did great at school. The teacher said they are working with her on stopping what she is doing when they say her name. Yep, good luck with that. Just kidding, I am sure she will do better with them than at home. She even took her nap, without her pacifier. Amazing, I tell you. I was quite proud of her. The teacher did say that after nap she went potty and came out holding her crotch and saying it hurt to pee. And kept complaining about it. So I was slightly concerned that her was groped at school, but mainly concerned that she had a UTI. I got her in that afternoon and turns out she just needs to wipe better, she was a little irritated. I did ask to make sure they are monitered while napping and was affirmed that there are two teachers and shown where the little individual cots are set out. They are kinda cute little things. She was very excited to be going back today and Daddy will pick her up. I think they are making something for fathers day, so I am kinda bummed that he will see it before Sunday, but I am sure he will love it anyway.

I was home with Owen on Monday for pink eye and again yesterday for a fever and overall cold. He was so miserable all night. I put a humidifier in his room last night and he seemed to cough less. I happened to read through the pharmacy info on the shot I took last week "Your immune system will be depleted, avoid those will illness". Yeah right, I'm so screwed. On that note, my HCG number rose to 2600, which was way higher than I expected it to go. Dr Hess doesn't seem too concerned and mentioned wanting it to come down 15-20% by my next blood draw on Friday and potentially another shot. So, I am still hoping and praying for a good ending.

I almost cried...

But held it together. I just dropped Gwendolyn off for her first day of pre-school. She will be going 2 days a week. We had visited before vacation and she jumped right in and had a ball. Today was no different. I had to drag her back out to see her cubby hole with her lunch box and blankie. She could care less about me, she was *at school*!!! She has been so excited to go and the only thing that could make it better in her book would be to have a bus to ride. I took a couple pictures with her backpack before we left the house and I may sneak some more when I pick her up. The pre-school is also where the failed attempt at parent/tot gymnastics is. She will be in gymnastics one afternoon a week, while at school and I think she will be much more ready for it. I just hope she pulls off eating lunch without a huge mess and the nap time. I am so excited for her, but it makes me a little weepy that she is growing up (stupid hormones too).
She has a few friends already attending and more that will start in the fall. I will be back tonight with pictures of my big girl!

Side note - I ended up home yesterday with Owen and pink eye. Just one more reason to not be at work, when I get medically cleared.

Counting my blessings

I am fortunate to have two healthy, happy little ones.
I am blessed in a happy, giving marriage.
I have a super supportive family.
I have a job I love (though occasionally think about leaving).
I have supportive friends, online and in real life.
It is weeks like this that I need to focus on all the positives in my life.
I just had what was supposed to have been a family vacation in Kodiak. It turned into a up close and personal tour of all the medical facilities in Kodiak. I ended up pregnant, while having an IUD inside me to prevent such thing from happening. Imagine my and Matts suprise. We arrived in Kodiak Saturday night and I decided something was wrong enough to go to the ER on sunday. I had never been to an ER before and was dreading the idea of a 5 hour wait to be seen, just to be told I had menstral cramps and to go home. The nurse was actually treating me that way when I first arrived. I was asking to get the IUD removed, thinking my body was rejecting it. The first step was a blood test and low and behold it came back positive.
The next concern was whether it was viable or tubal. We couldn't find the ultrasound tech and planned on that for monday. They did another blood draw to test my HCG hormone numbers, 1800.
Monday I saw a nice family practice doctor and he conferred with my OB and removed the ineffective IUD. My ultasound was for the afternoon and it started out well and then he saw a mass in my left tube. It went downhill from there. We then let all the family in on what was going on. We were there for a family vacation and I had been spending all my time at the doctors and they needed to be let in the loop. It was known that this is a life threatening condition for me and that was the scariest aspect for me. I hadn't then and even still not now morned the loss of the baby that had barely begun. I think that is because I wasn't trying, nor did I even think it was possible to get pg right now. My brain has been focused on me and what I need to do to keep my healthy. I don't want to lose my tube and the potential for a couple more babies in the future.
Tuesday the blood test showed that my HCG had dropped to 900. If it is a viable pregnancy then the number will double every 48 hours. Mine was dropping and that is a good thing, meaning my body is potentially taking care of things on its own. I flew home with Owen Tuesday night. We got weathered in and got a sucky flight time of landing at home at 1:30 am. Owen did great.
I went to my clinic and got another ultrasound and blood draw. My HCG is currently 760 and you can still see something in my left tube. They brought extra people in to see my tube since it is rare to see an ectopic pregnancy. Normally it is caught when the tube explodes and the woman ends up in emergency in the hospital. It really is a life threatening condition and they didn't want me more that an hour from a hospital, in the case that my tube burst. You could bleed to death rather quick from this.
I then went to see my OB and discuss options. I am still in a valium haze, but I ended up with a D&C this afternoon to see if it was potentially a utero pg or in fact a tubal. If it was utero, then good and we keep checking the HCG hormone to make sure it returns to 0. If it wasn't then I will likely get the metrazine (sp) shot. It is essencially a chemo shot, which holds the potential chance of chemo side effects of hair loss, tired, mouth sores.....and we will also keep checking the HCG. Very worse case, they remove the tube.
Soooo...this is a recap of my family vacation to Kodiak. I am still at my parents house with Owen and didn't figure on all this when I stopped by to check on my house. So we are still in the same clothes, blech, showered but feeling stale.
I am glad that I got out and didn't have to ride the ferry back. There is 16 foot swells and 30-50 knot winds. It will be a long ROCKY ferry ride for them. Gwendolyn and grandma took dramamine and Matt has beer but it is a night ride and laying down always makes potential sea sickness much worse.
I am very relieved that I listened to my gut on Sunday and listened that something was wrong. I could have been stuck on a ferry, in the middle of the Ocean in distress. It is the could.have.beens that still have my head spinning.

One Tube down...one to go

Owen pulled one of his tear duct tubes out last night. Well, as far out as it would come. This meant he had what looked like a rubberband hanging from the corner of his eye. I didn't freak till later and give myself credit for it. I had just pulled into Sams Club to get road drinks for our vacation. I open Owens door to get him out and notice he has one of Gwendolyns hair tie rubber bands covering his eye. I wonder how the heck he got one of those and was about to bush it away when it dawns on me what it is. I calmly yelp and get back in the front seat. I grab the phone book and can't for the life of me spell EYE. I finally find it and notice it is 6:05 pm, five freaking minutes after the clinic closes. I get patched through to the answering service and at that point am half way across town to the clinic. The Dr is nice enough to call me back from Hawaii. By then I am in his lot, with no one there. His advice is to either go the ER, wait till morning and go to his clinic, or cut it and yank it out myself. None are fabulous options, but I know what I must do. His advice is to do it myself and I agree. I start driving to my office, since it is the closest place with scissors and I can't stand seeing him like this and I can't keep hearing Gwendolyn ask "what is wrong with brothers eye???". I finally call Matt, now that I am not waiting for the Dr to call me back and know that I will break down when I start talking to him. Sure as anything I do and all I can say is everything is fine, we are fine. I finally am able to get the jist out to him and he convinces me to drive to his parents house (extra 10 minutes) and his Dad would be there. I had already distracted them both with a DVD of Bugs Life, Owens favorite. So I give him his YiYi (pacifier) and continue driving. They are waiting for me outside (MIL and FIL) and we decide to leave Owen in his carseat and do minor surgery in the driveway. It is determined that Gwendolyns round tip scissors would be best. Once she sees that we are using them, she volunteers to do the tube cutting. Thanks, but we have it under control. I hold his head tight and grandma hold his hands down and poppa does a quick snip. We are instructed to pull from the top, fast. It is long and rubbery. Rufus, FIL, did the pulling and Owen didn't seem to notice a thing. There was no tension and it came out super easy. I hope that means it did the job it was supposed to while it was in there. Hopefully he will have nice, wide tear ducts and no more issues. Not sure why, but there is only one shot at this surgery, you can't go do it again later. All in all, it was three inches long, but tied into a circle inside his nose. The Dr was happy that it was in for over 6 weeks, but I thought he had wanted it in for 6 months. I am relieved it happened before we went on vacation and now feel like I could do it if necessary with the other eye. Not that I want to though.

Alaskan Babies

Helping Daddy wash the Yukon


This kid ALWAYS has a hockey stick in his hands and gets very mad if you dare take it away.

Please note the chunk of floating ice that is the white in the horizon. Yes, my children are playing in a frozen lake.

Nutritionist appointment

Matt and I went to our nutritionist appointment yesterday for Owen. We found out we are doing mostly right and were given a little advice to tweak things. I found from what we were feeding him, he is getting enough of his protein and vitamins and calcium. She was amazed had how much fluids he consumes and I LOVED having someone else tell Matt that Sunny D and Hawaiian Punch are not appropriate to give a human, let alone a child. Thank you very much!! The main change we will make it not offering him fluids prior to meal time and none till he is done eating or close to it. Hopefully that will make him feel hungrier and in turn be more willing to eat. She didn't have much advice on how to get him interested in more foods, which is what I was hoping for. I know expecting an answer like that is along the lines of waving a magical wand over him. But sometimes I want that wand.
Now to wait another 4 weeks for the dermatologist appointment. I am pretty sure it is excema around his poor little eyes.

We are also entering another summer of mosquito allergies with Gwendolyn. She is onto bite number 2 of swollen misery. It didn't swell her eye closed this time, but had it been any closer it would have. She is now on Zyrtec, thanks to brothers prescription, as hers had expired. The second bite wasn't near as bad, so I am holding out hope.

Favorite Mommy

Apparently I am Gwendolyns' favorite mommy. So, my question to the child is, "how many mommies do you have?" She responed by naming off all her cousins and friends moms. I got a kick out of it and am glad that I ranked at the top.

Insecurities

I have a friend from the Garden I want to reach out to, but I am too insecure to call. I am afraid she wouldn't want to talk to me or we wouldn't have anything to say with our voices. I apparently am much more confident behind a keyboard. This suprises me, I am not a shy person. But I guess since our relationship is based on the internet, I don't know how to cross that barrier.
So now I just feel lame. S - I miss you. Not sure that you will see this, since you seem to be taking an internet (garden and blog) break.

Now I know my ABC's....

Nicole tagged me with an alphabet meme. Here goes:
A - Attached or Single? Attached.
B - Best Friend: Several that I’m very grateful for this week in particular.
C - Cake or Pie: Cake with cream cheese frosting.
D - Drink of Choice: Water. Sad but true.
E - Essential Item: chap stick
F - Favorite Color: Used to be purple. Now it’s red
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? Bears. Really neither. Chocolate please.
H - Hometown: Fairbanks forever it seems.
I - Indulgence: internet time in the Garden and cheesy TV.
J - January or February: Both are the same—cold and dark.
K - Kids: Two, one innie and one outie.
L - Life is incomplete without: A dream or vacation planned.
M - Marriage Date: June 9, 2001.
N - Number of Siblings: One older brother.
O - Oranges or Apples? Granny smith apples, with a little carmel to dip them in
P - Phobias/Fears: parental dementia.
Q - Favorite Quote: It's all good.
R - Reasons to smile: My babies
S - Season: Summer, for the opportunity to be outside in the warmth
T - Tag: Anyone who wants to play with me :)
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I barely graduated high school.
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? I am a huntress
W - Worst Habit: blowing bubbles with my gum.
X - X-rays or Ultrasounds? I like ultrasounds better, because of what they show you.
Y - Your Favorite Food: hmmmm, tacos.
Z - Zodiac: Virgo.

21 pounds and more

I have my doubts that Owen gained a pound in a week, considering he has NEVER done that. But, that is what the scale said last night. I think it was the wet diaper I failed to remove.
I was concerned about the lack of improvement in his eye lids and that his allergy meds weren't helping. I saw a pediatrician, who happens to be a childhood friend. She thought the scaly concern was excema and referred me to the dermatologist. She didn't want to give him a steroid cream because he would wipe it in his eye and cause cataract. That will hopefully take less that the 6 weeks it took last time to get in. (nope, just made the appt for late June dammit)
She also showed concern about his lack of weight gain and referred me to a nutricionist. I don't know how helpful that will be, but I am willing to give it a try. He is sooo finicky and won't try anything. One of the suggestions the Dr gave when talking about what I would learn, tip wise, was to add olive oil to mashed potatoes for more fat. That would be you assuming the child would let mashed potatoes grace his lips. NOPE!! (next week for this one)
She wants to see us back in a month and has some tests in mind to run if he isn't gaining better. I think I will start asking to see her versus the woman I have considered our pediatrician, in the same office. I like that I know her and have since kindergarden.

Gwendolyn has grown 2 inches since her birthday 2 months ago. How did that happen?? She is getting more opinionated about what she wants to wear and what she WILL wear. I haven't been able to get a pair of jeans on her in many months, doesn't like the feel. It is all soft pants or better yet a dress or skirt. She is picky about which dress, "no the other one, the warm one". I will have to take a picture of her closet, it is insane full, yet we reach for the same thing 85% of the time.
She has also mastered the art of chewing gum and asks for it everyday. It always goes in the trash when she is done and she hasn't swallowed it in months. Now I have one more thing to tell her "no" about, lovely. She is a master of puzzles and can put together a puzzle, no cover picture, no edge done first, like it is nothing. I didn't appreciate the rareness of this till another friend was over and had to coach her daughter through the whole puzzle combining experience, start to finish.
We leave for Kodiak in a couple weeks and then she starts pre-school when we come home. She will go on Tuesday and Thursday, 8:30 - 3:30. She will have lots of kids in her class that she already knows, which is nice. She has been doing better about not "riding" on things the last few weeks, thankfully. I am excited for her to gain interaction skills and sharing. I can't wait to receive class artwork for my fridge, ahhhh. She will do gymnastics each day too.

OK, I suppose this was about more than just Owens weight :)

Mothers Day

It is hard to let myself enjoy Mothers Day, when I still try to make it special for my Mom and MIL. Matt has had to work 3 out of my 4 specials days. This means I go about being a mother in the same capacity that I do every other day of the year. I would like, some year, to wake up and actually have the whole day be about me.

This was actually the 2nd best yet. Normally I am dismal in attitude, with rightful reason, that I will get nothing and have a "normal" day with no celebration. Matt is notorious (in my eyes) for not having time to shop for me and in turn I feel like an ass for have any expectations. Makes for a crappy day for me. I will give little reminders, "I already bought your mother her present, so you don't have to worry about that one....", to remind him the day is coming up. I knew that him and the kids had went shopping last week, so less anxiety for me over whether I was getting anything or not. I did have to answer the question, "how much sould I/can I spend?". I hate answering that, but I am the one in charge of money in our home. I gave him broad answers so as to not take away any chance of suprise for me, "if it is this much, take from this account.....if it is more, charge it".

I knew he had to work yesterday and I had a big day planned for my moms graduation with her masters degree. He had the decency to warn me in the morning that there wasn't a present laid out for me yet, but he would take care of it that night. I like that he told me versus letting me brood all day thinking he had forgotten about me. Although it would have taken him 2 minutes to sign the card and the present was wrapped at the store already, but anyhow.

I came home with Gwendolyn a little after he did with Owen, from the party. He had left the present of the corner of the kitchen counter for me, why he could come hand it to me I'll never figure out. He has given me DVD's of the Friends series over the last few holidays and that is what I anticipated getting this time, and it was the right size package. But, I could tell someone else had wrapped it, since there was a bow on it. I brought it into the bedroom to open it in front of him and I commented about my original theory and how I was starting to think that it wasn't a DVD. I open it and it is a beautiful strand of pearls. I have been wanting and asking for these since we have been together. I love them and I love that he has been listening (a little at least). He was brave enough to take both kids into a jewlery store and he said these were the ones that Gwendolyn picked out and Owen wanted the colorful ones (blech to me). He knew I wanted classic looking ones. I had told him about a radio announcement that one of our jewlery stores was closing after 20 years and had specials going on. That is where he went, so my prodding helped. Hey, I am not above dropping hints. He doesn't always get them, but I leave them.

My mom liked her party and the brochade bag I got her and my MIL loved the pansy dress by Nita. It is a beautiful dress and she appreciates the work that went into it and the material. I plan on getting her a potted pansy when it is staying warmer outside, so that a gift is "actually" for her. The pansy dress is a size 3T and is for Gwendolyn to wear and grandma to appreciate. Everyone thought it was very beautiful and it indeed is!! Thank you Nita and I will post some pictures soon.

I hope all the other mothers had a wonderful day too!!

They are not the same babies

Apparently Owen thinks I needed a reminder, that they are indeed different babies. Jeez this teething thing with him is a world appart from how it was with Gwendolyn. You never knew she had a tooth coming in, ever. I have know when every tooth in Owens mouth was coming in. These molars have been the absolute worst. There is enough snot and drool to drown a pig. He cries if you look at him, or if you look away. His fingers are shoved in his mouth always and he is back to chewing on toys. My biggest beef is him being in pain and me being unable (in his eyes) to make him happy or comfortable. I am alternating tylenol and Ibuprophrin (sp) and giving him the homeopathic teething tablets.

He is also drugged up on Zyrtec for his assumed seasonal allergies, along with $85 eye drops. They don't seem to be making much of a difference yet, but I haven't given up hope yet. Him and his poor eyes. I hope someday that he has "normal" eyes with no issues. They seem to be the worst area of his allergy issues and are all red and swollen and itchy. I am afraid that he will rub his tubes right out of his tear ducts. I am sure that the stitches have dissolved by now and they are capable of coming out. The goal is to keep them in 6-8 months and then the ducts will be good to go. I has only been 5 weeks. They are stitched into his nasal passage with dissolvable stitches.

The small bit of good news is that he broke 20 pounds when he went in last week for allergies. Woohoo!!! He is 20lb 8ounces. He is still little and food picky, but he is growing slowly but surely. I hold out hope that he will eventually catch up and be a average size. I have had a couple people comment about how it is good that Gwendolyn is older and spunky, since she will have to look out for him and beat up on people for him. I don't want him to be the little kid in the class and get picked on for it.

Mommy Smell

That little girl of mine can melt my heart sometime. I base a lot of my memories on smell, certain scents bring back certain memories.
Anytime I smell Chanel perfume, I think of my mom. It is her smell and I can pick it out anywhere. I love it!!
Gwendolyn and I were cuddling on the couch yesterday and she pauses and leans in close to me and sniffs. She then lovingly says, "you smell like Mommy". Ahhhhh, I loved hearing that. I had no perfume on and had actually not showered yet, but I must have had my natural mom smell going on. Still brings a smile to my face.

Stress

I hate when another persons mood and stress carries over and is able to affect me. I like to think that is the only issue and there is nothing else to worry about. Aack, life can be overwhelming sometimes.

Oh, and HATE seasonal allergies.

I feel selfish...

I feel selfish because part of my concern with the whole T situation is how it will affect the Garden. I worry that it is driving women away and I hate the idea of losing my Garden gals. I have come to rely on them so much over the last few years and can't imagine not having them around. It still amazes me that they all hold such a big spot in my heart, when I have only met 2 of them in real life. I have seen a few ladies "voice" their hurt and betrayal and thoughts of not coming around for a while or ever. That bums me out so much. Coincidentally, the Garden site has been changed and you log in elsewhere. My panic at not being able to access my online world was significant. I can't imagine not having these ladies in my life.
So now I feel like a heel for thinking of myself when there is obviously another who deserves more attention.

Huge decision to make for my future

This all seems trivial in comparison to what another friend is facing right now. T, my heart goes out to you.
As for in my world, I need to decide if I am going to work for my family business or continue where I am.
I work at a Non-profit organization and have for 7 years.
It is a Youth Court program, a diversion from the formal juvenile justice system. We have youth who are trained as attorneys and take real juvenile cases to court. I have been slacking off lately (last couple of years) and know I am doing the program a disservice and someone could really expand my position. Damn Gardening time is much more fun than actual work, LOL, I know some of you can relate. I love my work and get enjoyment and satisfaction from my work with the kids. I can still volunteer with them or be on the Board of Directors and be super useful there. I work m-f, 9:30-5, later on thursdays since that is court night. Occasional saturdays for special occasions. I get to travel once a year for a conference of some sort. I have no retirement to consider.

New job would be in the office, with no out and about during the day. Laid back atmosphere, answering phones and data entry. I would job share with my SIL, three days a week, 7:30-4:30. So, 2 extra days with the kiddos. I would take a loss of $2000 a year, but would probably make up for that with not eating out at lunch. It has old school dial up, but I would probably force the DSL issue. If and when we have more kids, I could bring them to this office as well. It would ease up the burden on MIL of watching them 5 days a week, to only 3. My dad would be my boss, not sure if that is a pro or con? There will probably be retirement in the future, but we don't have that arranged right now.
There are way more thoughts and pros and cons, but this is a start to my thought process.

More thoughts..
The set-up would not be a controlling boss kinda thing, more just that he is ultimately in charge. When he is ready to retire in 4 years my DH would then assume that position. And he sure the hell would not be my boss, LOL
I have been dreading taking on any new projects at work and there are lots of areas that I could really expand the program. I have been mentally done with ambition here for a while. I am nervous about giving up this job, since it is sooo cake and comfortable. I don't imagine it would ever come back around again, I would just have to be happy where I was at. I do like the feeling I have of importance in the community and the connections I have made.I don't dread going to work, but I slack off all day and don't think it is very fair.
All day (3 hours, LOL) that I have been at work I have been mentally relieved when I think ahead to upcoming events and I think to myself "it will be nice to not have to deal with that" Does that mean I have mentally made up my mind and I am already on short timers syndrome?

Look good always....or sometimes?

I was thinking this morning how rare it is that I put effort into my appearance, such as make-up and "done" hair. I know that there are a lot of women out there who won't leave the house without being completely done up. I just don't feel I have the time, most mornings. I shower while the kids are still sleeping and then get dressed and get them up. I come back to me while they are eating breakfast and take the towel off my hair and do as much as I feel like with it. Normally not much. Back to the kids and getting them dressed and we are all out the door.
I am thinking I like my way better. My reasoning is as follows. If you dress up every day and always wear make-up and always do your hair nice, people stop noticing. They then notice if you do nothing and have a "natural" day and then think you look like crap or something is wrong. Me, I am "natural" most days and people tend to notice me and pay me compliments on the days that I put effort in (at least 2 work days a week).
My point is, I would rather be noticed for looking good than looking like crap.

Maternal yearnings

Owen weaned a couple months back, in preparation for my vacation among other things. I am floored by the maternal yearning to pull that child to my breast and nurse him right now. In the couple days leading up to his surgery and ever since, I feel such a pull to that. He is still on the small side and currently not interested in eating even the few things he would previous let past his lips. I am desprate to get him interested in food or find that magic morsel that he will devour. I start thinking to myself, if he was nursing I would know he was getting some nutrients.....oh the mothers heartache. I have crazy thoughts of relactating with my 16 months old, a bit unrealistic.