Owen and the Nanook (bear for the nonalaskan)

Funny story from the weekend, apparently he is afraid a characters, men in bear costume kind of characters. We have went to college hockey games since he was a week old. We are season ticket holders, so we always sit with the same people and they know our kids well. The inlaws sit at the other end of our row. This weekend was the first games of the season. We were excited to see how they would react to the opening of the game. They have this huge inflated bear that the players skate under to come onto the ice. The lights are dimmed and there is loud music. We missed it the first night, took too long drinking beer downstairs. But Owen was petrified of the "man" bears and was hiding his face and screaming crying. He finally warmed up by the end of the third period, in time to leave. He always knew where all three of the man bears were, he was keeping a close eye on them.
Saturday night, I made sure to be upstairs in time. He pulled a horse move on me, once he saw the inflated bear he put his gears in reverse and was backing up into the crowd to get away. I bring him down to our front row seat, all the way on the other side of the arena from inflata-bear. His is freaking out. Climbs over my shoulder, into the lap of the ladies behind me. Hides in their shoulder for a minute and decides that is still too close. Climbs over them into the lap of the goalies mom and hides there. By that time I am in the last row ready to catch his freakout self when he bails from her. We went and hid in the bathroom till the opening was done. He finally warmed up to the man bears walking around by halfway through the third period. Warmed up to them in the sense that they could walk around 10 feet below our section, no where near touching range. Never expected this reaction.

My baby is growing up

Owen will be two this month and it is sinking in that he is no longer my little baby. He crib climbing excursions have prompted his grandparents to buy his a toddler bed for his birthday. I am not supposed to know, but they just bought him a Cars bed. It kinda breaks my heart to not have a crib up in that room anymore. I just hope and pray that I get the chance to put it back up in the future. It is all contigent on Matt being willing to have more babies. I hope and pray.

Monkey Boy

I came into the kids room last night when Owen was crying. They have both been battling colds, so I thought nothing of the cry. Knew it was him, so my first look was to the crib. EMPTY!! He is standing there next to it. Faarrreeeaaaakkkk out!! He is not crying because he is hurt like he fell out, but I think he was crying to be back in there. Little stinker had pulled every wipe out of the box.

I think I might have been nagging the kids too much about their being sick and not passing it on to other kids. First words out of Gwendolyns mouth this morning as she sat up in bed, "I'm all better now Mommy, can I touch other kids now?" I had to laugh. I must have harped too much this weekend with her Halloween parties and birthday parties and other kids to be around.

Pay it Forward

I commented on Daphne's post to do the Pay it Forward exchange -- here's the scoop:

I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this Pay It Forward exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days, that is my promise! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.
If you want in leave me a comment, and then run along and post on your site.

Sometimes....

my children can be so sweet to each other. We were driving to church this weekend and I loved hearing the conversation from the backseat.
G - Look Owen, Look at the bear over there (painted on a tower)
G - Look Owen, there is Pappa's work
G - Look Owen, that is where Mommy works
Commentating the whole way and making sure he knew where we were going and what they were looking at.

She also explained to me that sometimes she likes to share with Owen, but not always. I have been amazed at what she has been willing to share, toys and snacks and sippy cups for example. I love when she is concerned about him and his wellbeing. She is normally done with dinner before picky-slowboy and gets to choose the movie or show we will watch. Melts my heart when she checks with him on what to watch or delibrately chooses something that is his favorite, namely Cars. I love that they are growing up close, reminds me of me and my brother.

We were a family of M&M's this weekend for a party. I loved how great it turned out. I have had these costumes since before Owen was conceived. Matt and I have been referred to as M&M since dating and they were the candy favor at our wedding reception, so I thought it made fun sense.




We went skating this weekend for my neices 2nd birthday and Owen LOVED skating. He got the hang of walking in the skates and wanted to be on the ice at all times.

Owen and the candy machine

We are at my office and I have a candy machine for the kids I work with and my children to cheat on. He did get one out his way and Gwendolyn can get one out in 5 seconds flat.

Brown eyed babies

I have always yearned for blue eyed babies. I love blue eyes, I think it comes from wanting what you don't have. I have dark brown eyes and have always found them boring. Matt has nice blue eyes and I had hopes that they would dominate my browns. My browns are too strong to be held down and now we have two brown eyed babies.
I think I am coming around. Gwendolyn has my really dark browns and they are nice, but oh my, Owen has these milk chocolate browns that just make you melt!!. I stare into them and realize how beautiful brown eyes can be. Seriously, they are like pools of melted milk chocolate.

Hiiii

I am not sure how, but that has become Owen's word for "up". I correct him time and again, but I always get "hi" in response. He has such a cute way of exclaiming "YEAH" when the answer is affirmative.

My kids burst at the seams with excitement over so much stuff. Gwendolyn's preschool teacher commented on that yesterday. She is exhuberant over so many things and her excitement is contagious. "Yea, we are carving a pumpkin (arms waving wildly), Yea, we are pulling gunk out (less waving thankfully), Yea we are eating seeds (cooked fortunately)." I love their enthusiasm for life.

Action packed weekend

We started out the weekend with a 40th birthday party. I love this picture and the look she is giving me.

Saturday night we went the the CHAM and this is the dress I wore for the night. Matt and I rented a room and that was fabulous. No worries about how much free champagne I drank and how we would get home.

This is the outfit I modeled.

We started getting snow on saturday and there were taken when we ventured out to play on sunday.

Owen weighing in

We went to the Dr for a follow-up appointment on Tuesday. I wanted to see if he was gaining adaquate weight. Plus a thread in the Garden a while back got me worried about his fluid consumption and excessive peeing, with maybe being diabetic.
He is now 23 lb 10 oz and 30 inches tall!! My baby is growing little by little. He caught back up to his 10% bracket and that made the Dr very happy. He had dropped from 10% to less than 5% and she wanted to see him stay where he had always been. She was happy that he is drinking his pediasure and concurred that we need to cut back on the juice.
We taped the pee catching bag on his weewee at the start of the appointment. When we were all done she said to get him dressed and let him play for a while till he peed. I said lets check first. Sure as anything, he FILLED that bag full of pee!! He can pee like a racehorse. It was impressive. There were no sugars in his pee, yea!! We will cut back on his juice and see if that helps his appetite.
It was a very reassuring appointment. Now if we can only convince him to try more foods. That would make my year!!

Gwendolyn thanks

"Thanks for making me dinner mommy, it is delicious" I about fell out of my chair. It was so genuine and sweet, as well as unexpected. I have been thanked before, but that was a whopper of a toddler thank you. It was only mediocre chicken and pasta, with green beans and garlic bread, of course Owen wouldn't touch it

Bill Cosby

His "Bill Cosby Himself" skit takes on a whole new meaning once you are a parent.
I always enjoyed it when I was younger, but OMG was it fall-off-the-couch hilllllaaaarrrriiioooouuuuussssssss last night. If you haven't seen it in years, like me, watch it again!!!

Recent pictures

These were taken at the park on my birthday. The other little girl is my cousins daughter Brooke, 4 1/2


My monkey child. Note the feet and the ability to literally wrap abound a tree.

Brooke and Owen

Being goofy with the swing, idea based on CK's twins (which by the way, it looks much cooler with twins)

Gwendolyn gab

If only my child would follow instructions and stay on task, she would advance.
Both her gymnastics teacher and her swim teacher see such promise in her and use her for example in every class. If only she wouldn't get bored during the idle times and do her "own thing". She is 3 1/2 and they both want to move her up to the 5 year old advanced class, but not till she stops acting like a toddler.
She did a handspring a few weeks back in my parents yard and thought nothing of it. To have no fear is a great thing in situations like that. I never could pull off a back handspring, due to the brain telling me about potential outcomes. She doesn't have that nagging voice of reason.

Owenisms

Owen pooped on the potty last night. I don't know that he is ready to tell me when he has to go, but I will take baby-step progress.
He has such a cute way of exclaiming "I did it" and "I got it" when he accomplishes something. I love seeing the excitement when it happens. He is such a bundle of joy and a mama's boy. He seems to be taking more of an interest in Matt lately. Matt was off hunting last week and every day we came home Owen would hurry up the stairs calling "Daddy, Daddy". Melted my heart to hear.
He is still a stinker when it comes to eating. If it is not something he likes (grilled cheese, chicken nuggets, or stage 3 jarred baby food) he will just sit there and cry. Won't even try tasting it. This will go on for upwards of an hour. I always cave and get him a jar of nastiness. He needs the calories. I hate that he is getting the better of me and I don't feel we are progressing with his dietary variety. He is going to have to realize that jarred nastiness is, in fact, NASTY sooner or later.
Last week when Daddy was hunting, Gwendolyn tended to sleep with me. Owen woke up crying one night and I went to him. He didn't want to lay back down and would cry more if I tried (not normal). I was exhausted. I am walking and bouncing him and think to myself, "hmmmm empty toddler bed, wonder if that would do the trick". Sure enough, he cuddled right down. Come morning, I hear the door crack open. This is normally the sign that Gwendolyn is coming to my room, but I already had her. I get up and look down the hallway to see the cutest little face peeking out of the door at me, in wonder. He didn't know what to do next, he only knew Gwendolyn would leave the room. Love that little boy!!

Boob Talk

I had loaned a dress to my sister in law to see if it would fit. We have a formal fundraiser to attend in a few weeks. Didn't fit and it was in the car, riding around like a good dress should. There, stage is set....
G-What is this
Mom-It is a dress that Auntie borrowed but it didn't fit.
G-Why didn't it fit
Mom-Her boobs are too big
G-Do you have big boobs?
Mom-They are alright, not too big not too small (still driving)
G-Will I have big boobs?
Mom-(Dying here)The possibility is there baby, you have genetics working for you on that one.
G-Huh??
Mom-nevermind (turning up kid music)

On the other hand, Owen laughs and tries to tickle me if he sees me topless. I am glad they amuse him.

Rare Form

Gwendolyn was in rare form this morning. Nothing was making her happy. She wanted pancakes and then only took three bites. Threw a fit over the jeans I made her wear (hates jeans this year) but I persisted because she will likely go outside to play and needed the warmth. Wanted to be carried downstairs, couldn't walk, and I wouldn't carry her. I continued at Grandmas house when I was dropping her off...."I'm hungry", umm no, you get nothing else since you didn't eat the breakfast you asked for. She refused to walk up the stairs and was having a fit at the bottom of the stairs. The funniest part is that Owen was so amused by her that he pulled over one of the little kid chairs and was sitting at the top of the stairs watching her spectacle. I finally get her upstair and left as she was stripping her pants off and crying to Grandma.
I hope she pulls it together by tonight, she has a non-family member babysitter coming up for the second time. I am sure that will be more of a treat than being home with me. I even tried using that as leverage with her looney self this morning.

Give a little bit, give a little bit of yourself..

This is so not about me, I volunteer to offer my support. When I am rich, I will donate money. I do buy things from kids who come around selling, but that benefits me and my belly or the presents I will be wrapping.
Yesterday in Church, one of our busiest attorney's in town (slum lord kind of attorney, if you wanna get off, see him) was sitting in front of me. They are very well off, for the record. I watched them take two quarters out of his pocket and hand one to his wife. That was their freaking tithe!! FIFTY FREAKING CENTS!! Cheap ass. I appreciate that you are giving. But just because you gave a quarter every week in Church does not free you of all your sins and wrong doings. I have watched my parents give $100 every week, all of my life. There were many, many weeks that do such was a hardship. But that was still a committment they made. Ugh, it just irked me to watch this practice of thiers. The wife even took a second to ask if he had his quarter.

On a happy note, Gwendolyn went to her first Childrens Church and also Sunday School yesterday. She is 6 months too young, but they wanted her and made an exception. She seems to do well with it and I think her attending pre-school made it possible. She is growing up too fast.

I don't want to get old

I took the kids to a local old folks home last night for a monthly birthday party that we help throw. Normally I don't venture around the building, just stay in the commons for cake and entertainment. I knew that the old man who lived next to my parents my whole life had just moved there. I went in search of him and man was it depressing. We found him and said hi and that we would check in on him next month as well, he was getting ready for bed. It was slightly depressing seeing such a strong, active man, cut down like that. He now has Parkinsons.
The really hard part was seeing all the elderly sitting around the hallways in wheelchairs, lonely. I think 3/4 of them were just waiting for someone willing to visit them. Tons of people called out hellos to my kids as we roamed around. Gwendolyn bailed on me at one point and circled back around to a living room area and was pushing RoseMary around in her chair. We had met her because she stopped us to ask where she was supposed to be. I had no idea and told her I would find her someone. I told the nurse in my friends room, like I promised. We ended up pushing this lady around the building five times, looking for Kathy or her room (my idea to look for her room). She would get mad at me if I tried to help Gwendolyn. She would get mad at me if I didn't tell her where Kathy was. I left her where I found her once, but Gwendolyn escaped me and went back to get her again, thanks child. I left her a second time, after not finding her room in the hallway she said she lived in and took the kids and ran. I saw a young girl that looked like she worked there. I asked if she knew where Kathy was. She said, "oh you must have been pushing RoseMary. Kathy is her daughter and she comes to visit on Saturdays. We tell her she is in North Pole and can't come right now the rest of the week." Just broke my heart. I know people need to have lives and can't spend all their time there, but wow it was sad. I don't want my parents to get old, my in-laws to get old and I don't want Matt and I to get old. My grandfather died of Luekimia the summer Matt and I got together. Otherwise all my family is alive and well in their homes. It hurt to see people living so lonely in their rooms with their tv's or sitting around in hallways in wheelchairs. We had around a dozen that came to our party for bingo, but the rest....so sad.
Matt's grandma fell and broke her hip around a month ago and is in a nursing home in MI. She is a little delusional while she takes pain meds and doesn't always understand who, what, where, and when. It is very hard to be this far away and helpless. They moved back to MI 10 years ago, while all the family is on the west coast. Grandpa visits her every day, but she gets confused where he is, if he is not by her side. He has conceded that they ought to be closer to family and is willing to look into Spokane. That is where lots of my family is, including my grandma with lots of elderly contacts. I hope this works out, it will be great to have them in the same town. I mainly hope and pray that grandma is able to come home.
I still maintain, I don't want to get old

Happiest Toddler on the Block

I'll take two of those to go, please!!

I went to a presentation last night by Harvey Karp, Happiest Baby and Happiest Toddler on the Block. He had some fabulous ideas for dealing with toddlers and their tantrums. I bought his DVD for $18 with my SIL and will watch that with Matt (he is even willing). It was great to watch his practices in motion in the video clips he presented. He was a wonderful presenter, with fabulous ideas. I highly recommend his practices. He is the one with the 5s's (swaddle, shhhh, swing back and forth....) for the Happiest Baby portion.

Of course Mommy went out drinking afterwards, but I tried to learn how to be a good parent first. LMAO I wish I had brought Matt and he even commented, after the fact, that he would have went and thought he could use the hints and education too.

Too Much??

Do we gogogo too much?? I think I am doing my kids a disservice. Every night Gwendolyn will ask me "where are we going tomorrow? What are we doing?" Most days we are going plenty of places and doing lots of things. Problem is, I don't think it is healthy for her. She lacks the ability to sit around the house all day or even all weekend and play with her toys. She is always anticipating where we are going next. Live in the moment child and relax. Or maybe, I could just be raising an ambitious child, who will have drive. I can only hope, because right now I think I am making a mistake that I will pay for in the future. Parenting is so full of unknowns and what-ifs.

Baby moniter

I want to have a baby moniter as long as my kids share a room. It can be so neat to hear what they say to each other. Sunday morning, I was laying in bed knowing Gwendolyn was awake. I hear her get out of bed and say to Owen "don't cry bubba, I will be right back. I'm going to see momma, don't cry" It was so sweet that she cared about how her leaving would affect him. Sibling love is so seet. Of course she beat him up later in the day, but they have their moments.

We are transitioning Gwendolyn into a no nap girl. If she naps during the afternoon, she is up till 10:30 - 11:00pm and that is too hard on her. It is sometimes a challenge to keep her awake all afternoon, but it seems to benefit her. Owen just has one nap a day now, in the afternoon right after lunch. He is still super food picky. I normally give in and give him a jar of nasty stage 3 baby food for dinner and he gobbles it down. I don't get it. That stuff looks and smells nasty and I think I cook yummy food :)

Shoelace follow-up

Poppa picks Gwendolyn up from school and men are no good at getting information. I never *really* know how her day went at school, till I drop her off again the next time.
So this morning the teacher says, "Gwendolyn was sure challenging and spirited on Tuesday". I guess she took her laces out all day long and that was just the shoes. She limit tested every activity and instruction. The teacher thinks she may have won the day and was ready for round 2 today. Ackkk, she is full of it!! My cousin plans on helping in the classroom on Thursdays, not sure if that will help Gwendolyn or hinder her.
She is a fiery one, that is for sure!!

Stupid Shoelaces

Dear (strong willed) Gwendolyn,
Child, your shoes are not walkable when you take the laces out!! Please leave them alone and quietly enjoy circle time at school. Pay attention to the teacher and not the de-lacing of your new shoes.
Sincerely,
Your Embarrassed Mom who had to re-thread them, yet again

Middle name meme

Jules openly tagged for this meme. Here are the rules:
1 You have to post these rules before you give you the facts.
2 Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name.
3 If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
4 When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.
5 At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.
Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.


L - learned, I feel like I am always learning, in all parts of life

E - Easy-going. I am slow to rile up and I have a very passive personality

N - Nice, I pride myself of being a nice person and someone people like and are willing to come to for help or friendship.

O - Optimistic, I like to think of the glass as half full and get fustrated with pessemistic people.

R - Reliable, I come through in a pinch for people and my word is my bond. How cheesy cliche, but true.

E - man, another E one......Educated works, but not exciting....Energetic, not always.....Experimental, that is life in general....exepmt, from what?.....Eager, I'm not a beaver....Easy, slut haha....Encouragement - I feel like I go through life encouraging people and boosting them up to their full potential. In my work life and my friend life and of course in my family life. There, I like that one.

I tag anyone who wants to play along, cheers.

Various updates

Owen is talking up a storm!! Most words you can make out, but there is lots of rambling in the sentence too. Mainly, I have talkative children. His mulescum (sp) bumps seems to be going away. His back and pits haven't looked this good since he was a few months old. Yay, maybe this is the end!! He also has this adorable strut/run thing he does. It is so cute to see, he tucks his elbows back and kinda sticks his butt out and jams right along.

Gwendolyn is testing her sassy boundaries. She will lip off if someone answers her question that she didn't intend to, "Grandma, I wasn't talking to you" with attitude of course. Bleck, I hate it and am working very hard of breaking it. I still haven't unpacked Gwendolyns Michigan luggage and now we have Anchorage motorhome crap to unpack. That is the worst part of travel.

Speaking of travel, I spent all afternoon yesterday researching renting a house in Oahu in November. Getting excited!!!

Most Handsome

Owen was awarded the 'Most Handsome' in the toddler class of the State Fair this last weekend. I dressed him in warm-up pants and white Nike shoes, with his UAF hockey jersey, and a spikey little mohalk in the front middle. I have to describe it because I got no pictures. I was by myself and ended up with another 1 year old and a 5 year old cousin.
We had fun the whole time we were at the Fair. I think the people who plan the baby show times do not have kids. They always schedule for nap times. I know there is no "ideal" time for cute, but they seem to always schedule the wrong ages for the wrong times. At 20 months, Owen naps around 1pm. His time was 1pm. Last year, his age was 9 months and his naps were morning and afternoon, and his judging time was 3pm. On top of all that, they expect the class winners to come back at 7pm for the overall judging. NO baby is real cute at 7pm. It is for fun though. There are the wacky parents that get all serious and pagent-parent like. They crack me up.

GWENDOLYN COMES HOME TONIGHT!!! Woohoo. Matt and I are going to flip a coin to see who will go get her at the airport and who will stay home with a sleeping Owen. Their flight comes in at 1am. I think I will let him go, save me the tear emberrasment. I almost cried when I came home from Hawaii, I know I couldn't make it through her coming home.

What is worse than baby poop in a tub?

Baby poop in a tub when you are taking a nice, relaxing bath with said baby!! Yup, thanks Owen. Talk about moving fast. Little stinker or should I say pooper.

Oh yeah, thats why I had two kids

So they could play with each other!!
Gwendolyn is in Michigan with my Mom for a family reunion and to visit. They left Thursday night and have had a fun time so far. She started out liking to talk to us on the phone, but now refuses. Unless it is Owen, she will talk to her brother and that is it!! I am sure that is a sign she is missing him. She goes to bed at night saying she wants me, but wakes up looking for her brother. I know she misses me and Daddy too, but is paying us back for abandoning her, by not talking with her 3 year old butt.
Owen on the other hand, can't get enough of MOM. He makes me play with him all day. I think he is so used to Gwendolyn being all up in his business that he expects there to be a person looming over him. Cute, but getting old.
He was so sweet last night. He has been sleeping fitfully, not sure if that is because he is alone in the room or not. I went in one time he was wining/crying out. He was laying on his back with his eyes closed. I just stood there and rubbed his leg. He opened his eyes and saw me, stood up and reached out. I picked him up and just held him for a few seconds. He then leaned out and looked up at me and then leaned in and gave me a true puckered-up kiss and then laid his head back down. His kisses have normally been open mouth, slobbery things. It was just so sweet, like saying thank you for checking on me.
Back to Gwendolyn being gone. They are gone for 10 days. I was real proud of myself for not cying at the airport. I laughed to myself when I tried to be a sweet mom and give her a $5 to spend on whatever during her travels. She looked at me like, "gee thanks, paper." Now, if I had given her a penny she would have been real excited. I tucked it away in a photo album that I had put together for her. She has been a little whiney the last couple days. I hope that eases up when more family gets there with kids her age. It is just such a strange element for her, with no Mommy or Daddy there. They drove over to Marquette this morning to spend the day with Matts Grandparents. Everyone thought this would be better than them driving the 250 miles to Gwendolyn. They are getting up there in age. I hope she is not being a brat.

It's no wonder...

I drive like I do. Here are a sample of what I hear from the back seat.
Owen "gogogogogo"
Gwenodlyn "Faster Mommy" "You drive faster than Daddy" "Your now the leader Mommy" "Wow, we are going fast"
Is it no wonder that I go fast, I impress my children. *Sad head shake* I need to get a grip.

Thank God for the blog

Owen just pulled his other tear duct tube out and I needed to reference how the pull went last time. Check back in the blog to May and wolla, pull from the top.

It was lame, I could see in slow motion what Owen was in the process of doing and I could do nothing to stop what was in motion. He was a little more pissed this time. I immediately called for re-enforcements, poppa Rufus (FIL). Matt was out fishing, at least an hour away and my parents were on their way back to town with their newly purchased motorhome. Once I knew help was on the way and I didn't have to do it on my own, I put in Baby Einstein and gave him a yiyi. Still pissed but managable. Rufus gets here in less than 10 minutes and he gets the tube cut. We differ on which end to yank from, I say upper and he says lower. Neither end is budging :( I end up paging Dr Zambar for the second time this year and he calls right back. He says pull hard, that is what he would end up doing. If it breaks, it will eventually come out his nose. Lovely. I had already confirmed the pull from the upper thought on my blog while I was on with his answering service and he confirmed it as well. The tube ended up coming out while we were still on the phone, Rufus had a hold of the top and Owen turned his head away. Out it came. I did manage to get some pictures this time. He calmed down pretty fast and seems over it.

Dammit!!

Yep, that is the word that my sweet little girl exclaimed tonight when her macaroni and cheese noodle fell off her fork onto her pants. Why you ask? That would be what I exclaimed in the kitchen not three minutes earlier when the spoon fell out of the pan and hit my shirt, twice, in the matter of minutes.
It is all my fault and I have the cleaner mouth out of Matt and I. Oh the shame of it all. I have every intention of fessing up too.
When I tried telling her that it was an adult word and she wasn't to use it, she replied "It is my word now". Dammit, that backfired.

The kids and I did a photo shoot for a commercial this morning and then again this afternoon. They called and said there had been technical difficulties and we needed to reshoot it. My understanding is that it will be for an internet site and brochures. It is for a new housing subdivision that my uncle manages and they were trying to portray that it is a family place to live and took pictures of me walking Owen in the stroller and Gwendolyn riding her bike next to us and then them sliding on the playground with me catching them at the bottom. They both did so wonderful, both times. I was quite proud!! If only it paid :)

Couldn't sleep in

Today was my rare chance to sleep in and have no children in the house when I chose to get out of bed. COULDN'T DO IT!!! Why you wonder? Because Matt was making my little girl late for school and it was driving me crazy!! It took everything I had to not get out of bed and tell him to step the pace up 5 notches. What a waste of my sleep in turn. I was up at the same time. She had to have been at least 15 minutes late for school and I dispise being late and pride myself on being an on-time person. She already had the potential to being a whitetrash child today. Her lunch box wasn't in her cubby hole on Tuesday and grandpa didn't know to search it out. That meant today, her lunch was in a plastic grocery bag. ACK. I left very specific instruction with Matt to find her lunch box and transfer the lunch over or just leave everything loose in her cubby. I don't want my little girl getting picked on, LOL
Although, I am enjoying the house all to myself this morning. Uninterupted internet time, cooking channel on TV, and no one calling me momma ;)

On a very off topic side note....Owen pooped in the potty 2 days ago. Woohoo I think he is still far from ready, but that was huge. It is those little things in life that make me happy, like poop in a toilet.

July looking better already

July is off to a great start. I am starting to feel better and my HCG is steadily coming down.
Matt and I and the kids spent 4 days for the 4th of July out at the Nash cabin at Chena Hot Springs in the motorhome. We had tons of fun, fabulous weather, and nice relaxation. There was non stop sunshine and a gentle breeze to help with the mosquitos. We stayed up late and slept in (and are now paying for it trying to get back on schedule). Matt and Gwendolyn went fishing, we all went 4-wheeling and swimming at the Hot Springs everyday. My parents came out on Tuesday afternoon till we left on Wednesday. That was a nice treat for the kids. Owen wasn't sure about the 4-wheeler, but quickly learned to love it and speed. He also blossomed in the pool. This was the best I have seen him do yet. He loved going under water and jumping in. He would swim back and forth between us like a champ. Gwendolyn was, of course, a fish in the water. Such a natural. She played hookie from school for the first time this week, bad parents.
I have LOTS of pictures, but I can't get photobucket to open up at home and I thought I had sent the pictures to my work computer, but no such luck. I will update later with pictures. There was a neat fallen tree on the beach in front of the cabin and we took lots of pictures on it and next to the river. Owen is unfortunately at a "no picture" stage and not very cute for the camera.

Just for me and my records...

Feel free to ignore, but I wanted this written somewhere. I need the HCG to be at 0 and the hemaglobin (it is what carries oxygen around your body and low numbers are anemic, over 12 is preferred)
June 3rd - HCG 1800
June 5th - HCG 980
June 8th first Methotrexate shot and HCG 870
June 15th - HCG 2950 and Hemaglobin 12
June 15th - second Methotrexate shot
June 20th - back in ER for pain and feared rupture,
June 23rd - HCG 1120
June 25th - HCG 480 and Hemaglobin 9.9
June 28th - HCG 198 and Hemaglobin 10.1
July 2nd - HCG 83
July 9th - 22 HCG Getting closer!!!
July 16th - 12 HCG Still not there dammit. I had such high hopes for this week
July 23rd - 4 HCG and the DR cleared me to stop testing. Woohoo!!
I will test weekly till 0

End in sight???

I spent 7 hours on Wednesday in the ER, due to cramping and pain. I was concerned my tube had ruptured. They gave my wonderful morphine (yummy) twice and an ultrasound. The tube still looked intact and we are happy that the HCG number came down to 1120. I was suprised to learn that at it's highest, it was 2950 or so. We were waiting for Dr Hess to get out of surgery and see me. That is what took forever, but he finally came and said we can keep waiting it out and testing the HCG or we can do surgery. Every time he mentions surgery, the phrase "take out the tube" always comes up. I DON"T WANT TO LOSE MY TUBE!! How clear do I have to make this to every friend and family member who is appalled that I haven't had surgery yet. As long as the number keeps coming down, I will keep playing the waiting game.
I have had a few more real rough pain times since then. When the pain hits, I have about 20 minutes before it is overwhelming and all consuming. I managed to get the kids up and dressed and drove the 10 minutes to my parents house saturday morning, before I was able to take the vicoden and stomache muscle relaxer. It knocks me out for a few hours, but that is the only relief. I had another spell at 3 in the morning last night. Wowza. At least when you are in labor, you are going to receive "something" at the end that makes it all worth it. I am trying to keep that philosophy in mind with this pain, it must be helping and trying to clear out my tube, I'm hoping.
We are now concerned with the effect this is having on my hemaglobin. Those numbers are dropping and we are now monitering them too. I think it is from all the blood I am losing and having drawn. When those numbers go low, you are anemic, I think. That number was 12 and is now 10.2 I was made to have it tested again yesterday and it hadn't changed then and I need to go in again on Monday. My Dr. has given me his pager number and has told me at the end of every visit that his number is in the book, if I need anything. I like that.
Anyhow, I hope all this is pointing to an end in sight

Hockey music

I could hear Gwendolyn over at her little Fisher Price kind of piano the other day, singing away. She finally asks me to sing the hockey song with her. I start paying a little more attention to the words coming out of her mouth. By golly she is attempting the Star Spangle Banner!! That is a heck of a song for a trained professional and she wants to belt it out at 3. She is doing a mighty fine job of it, with some correct word and lots of correct pitch. When she gets to the end of her song she states "now sit down and watch hockey" OMG, LOL!!
We have since practiced the song many more times and I am sure to hear her "help" the professional singer prior to all the College games this winter.
She spent the day yesterday with my parents, fishing on Quartz lake. She did quite well and caught many silver salmons that are stocked into the lake.



Even drove the boat

Preschool followup

Getting ready to leave to school

Goofy girl, with her new Tinkerbell backpack and lunch box :)

So tired looking at the end of her first day of school. You can even see a little bit of her shiner under her right eye. She ran into the table on the ferry boat on vacation.

She did great at school. The teacher said they are working with her on stopping what she is doing when they say her name. Yep, good luck with that. Just kidding, I am sure she will do better with them than at home. She even took her nap, without her pacifier. Amazing, I tell you. I was quite proud of her. The teacher did say that after nap she went potty and came out holding her crotch and saying it hurt to pee. And kept complaining about it. So I was slightly concerned that her was groped at school, but mainly concerned that she had a UTI. I got her in that afternoon and turns out she just needs to wipe better, she was a little irritated. I did ask to make sure they are monitered while napping and was affirmed that there are two teachers and shown where the little individual cots are set out. They are kinda cute little things. She was very excited to be going back today and Daddy will pick her up. I think they are making something for fathers day, so I am kinda bummed that he will see it before Sunday, but I am sure he will love it anyway.

I was home with Owen on Monday for pink eye and again yesterday for a fever and overall cold. He was so miserable all night. I put a humidifier in his room last night and he seemed to cough less. I happened to read through the pharmacy info on the shot I took last week "Your immune system will be depleted, avoid those will illness". Yeah right, I'm so screwed. On that note, my HCG number rose to 2600, which was way higher than I expected it to go. Dr Hess doesn't seem too concerned and mentioned wanting it to come down 15-20% by my next blood draw on Friday and potentially another shot. So, I am still hoping and praying for a good ending.

I almost cried...

But held it together. I just dropped Gwendolyn off for her first day of pre-school. She will be going 2 days a week. We had visited before vacation and she jumped right in and had a ball. Today was no different. I had to drag her back out to see her cubby hole with her lunch box and blankie. She could care less about me, she was *at school*!!! She has been so excited to go and the only thing that could make it better in her book would be to have a bus to ride. I took a couple pictures with her backpack before we left the house and I may sneak some more when I pick her up. The pre-school is also where the failed attempt at parent/tot gymnastics is. She will be in gymnastics one afternoon a week, while at school and I think she will be much more ready for it. I just hope she pulls off eating lunch without a huge mess and the nap time. I am so excited for her, but it makes me a little weepy that she is growing up (stupid hormones too).
She has a few friends already attending and more that will start in the fall. I will be back tonight with pictures of my big girl!

Side note - I ended up home yesterday with Owen and pink eye. Just one more reason to not be at work, when I get medically cleared.

Counting my blessings

I am fortunate to have two healthy, happy little ones.
I am blessed in a happy, giving marriage.
I have a super supportive family.
I have a job I love (though occasionally think about leaving).
I have supportive friends, online and in real life.
It is weeks like this that I need to focus on all the positives in my life.
I just had what was supposed to have been a family vacation in Kodiak. It turned into a up close and personal tour of all the medical facilities in Kodiak. I ended up pregnant, while having an IUD inside me to prevent such thing from happening. Imagine my and Matts suprise. We arrived in Kodiak Saturday night and I decided something was wrong enough to go to the ER on sunday. I had never been to an ER before and was dreading the idea of a 5 hour wait to be seen, just to be told I had menstral cramps and to go home. The nurse was actually treating me that way when I first arrived. I was asking to get the IUD removed, thinking my body was rejecting it. The first step was a blood test and low and behold it came back positive.
The next concern was whether it was viable or tubal. We couldn't find the ultrasound tech and planned on that for monday. They did another blood draw to test my HCG hormone numbers, 1800.
Monday I saw a nice family practice doctor and he conferred with my OB and removed the ineffective IUD. My ultasound was for the afternoon and it started out well and then he saw a mass in my left tube. It went downhill from there. We then let all the family in on what was going on. We were there for a family vacation and I had been spending all my time at the doctors and they needed to be let in the loop. It was known that this is a life threatening condition for me and that was the scariest aspect for me. I hadn't then and even still not now morned the loss of the baby that had barely begun. I think that is because I wasn't trying, nor did I even think it was possible to get pg right now. My brain has been focused on me and what I need to do to keep my healthy. I don't want to lose my tube and the potential for a couple more babies in the future.
Tuesday the blood test showed that my HCG had dropped to 900. If it is a viable pregnancy then the number will double every 48 hours. Mine was dropping and that is a good thing, meaning my body is potentially taking care of things on its own. I flew home with Owen Tuesday night. We got weathered in and got a sucky flight time of landing at home at 1:30 am. Owen did great.
I went to my clinic and got another ultrasound and blood draw. My HCG is currently 760 and you can still see something in my left tube. They brought extra people in to see my tube since it is rare to see an ectopic pregnancy. Normally it is caught when the tube explodes and the woman ends up in emergency in the hospital. It really is a life threatening condition and they didn't want me more that an hour from a hospital, in the case that my tube burst. You could bleed to death rather quick from this.
I then went to see my OB and discuss options. I am still in a valium haze, but I ended up with a D&C this afternoon to see if it was potentially a utero pg or in fact a tubal. If it was utero, then good and we keep checking the HCG hormone to make sure it returns to 0. If it wasn't then I will likely get the metrazine (sp) shot. It is essencially a chemo shot, which holds the potential chance of chemo side effects of hair loss, tired, mouth sores.....and we will also keep checking the HCG. Very worse case, they remove the tube.
Soooo...this is a recap of my family vacation to Kodiak. I am still at my parents house with Owen and didn't figure on all this when I stopped by to check on my house. So we are still in the same clothes, blech, showered but feeling stale.
I am glad that I got out and didn't have to ride the ferry back. There is 16 foot swells and 30-50 knot winds. It will be a long ROCKY ferry ride for them. Gwendolyn and grandma took dramamine and Matt has beer but it is a night ride and laying down always makes potential sea sickness much worse.
I am very relieved that I listened to my gut on Sunday and listened that something was wrong. I could have been stuck on a ferry, in the middle of the Ocean in distress. It is the could.have.beens that still have my head spinning.

One Tube down...one to go

Owen pulled one of his tear duct tubes out last night. Well, as far out as it would come. This meant he had what looked like a rubberband hanging from the corner of his eye. I didn't freak till later and give myself credit for it. I had just pulled into Sams Club to get road drinks for our vacation. I open Owens door to get him out and notice he has one of Gwendolyns hair tie rubber bands covering his eye. I wonder how the heck he got one of those and was about to bush it away when it dawns on me what it is. I calmly yelp and get back in the front seat. I grab the phone book and can't for the life of me spell EYE. I finally find it and notice it is 6:05 pm, five freaking minutes after the clinic closes. I get patched through to the answering service and at that point am half way across town to the clinic. The Dr is nice enough to call me back from Hawaii. By then I am in his lot, with no one there. His advice is to either go the ER, wait till morning and go to his clinic, or cut it and yank it out myself. None are fabulous options, but I know what I must do. His advice is to do it myself and I agree. I start driving to my office, since it is the closest place with scissors and I can't stand seeing him like this and I can't keep hearing Gwendolyn ask "what is wrong with brothers eye???". I finally call Matt, now that I am not waiting for the Dr to call me back and know that I will break down when I start talking to him. Sure as anything I do and all I can say is everything is fine, we are fine. I finally am able to get the jist out to him and he convinces me to drive to his parents house (extra 10 minutes) and his Dad would be there. I had already distracted them both with a DVD of Bugs Life, Owens favorite. So I give him his YiYi (pacifier) and continue driving. They are waiting for me outside (MIL and FIL) and we decide to leave Owen in his carseat and do minor surgery in the driveway. It is determined that Gwendolyns round tip scissors would be best. Once she sees that we are using them, she volunteers to do the tube cutting. Thanks, but we have it under control. I hold his head tight and grandma hold his hands down and poppa does a quick snip. We are instructed to pull from the top, fast. It is long and rubbery. Rufus, FIL, did the pulling and Owen didn't seem to notice a thing. There was no tension and it came out super easy. I hope that means it did the job it was supposed to while it was in there. Hopefully he will have nice, wide tear ducts and no more issues. Not sure why, but there is only one shot at this surgery, you can't go do it again later. All in all, it was three inches long, but tied into a circle inside his nose. The Dr was happy that it was in for over 6 weeks, but I thought he had wanted it in for 6 months. I am relieved it happened before we went on vacation and now feel like I could do it if necessary with the other eye. Not that I want to though.

Alaskan Babies

Helping Daddy wash the Yukon


This kid ALWAYS has a hockey stick in his hands and gets very mad if you dare take it away.

Please note the chunk of floating ice that is the white in the horizon. Yes, my children are playing in a frozen lake.

Nutritionist appointment

Matt and I went to our nutritionist appointment yesterday for Owen. We found out we are doing mostly right and were given a little advice to tweak things. I found from what we were feeding him, he is getting enough of his protein and vitamins and calcium. She was amazed had how much fluids he consumes and I LOVED having someone else tell Matt that Sunny D and Hawaiian Punch are not appropriate to give a human, let alone a child. Thank you very much!! The main change we will make it not offering him fluids prior to meal time and none till he is done eating or close to it. Hopefully that will make him feel hungrier and in turn be more willing to eat. She didn't have much advice on how to get him interested in more foods, which is what I was hoping for. I know expecting an answer like that is along the lines of waving a magical wand over him. But sometimes I want that wand.
Now to wait another 4 weeks for the dermatologist appointment. I am pretty sure it is excema around his poor little eyes.

We are also entering another summer of mosquito allergies with Gwendolyn. She is onto bite number 2 of swollen misery. It didn't swell her eye closed this time, but had it been any closer it would have. She is now on Zyrtec, thanks to brothers prescription, as hers had expired. The second bite wasn't near as bad, so I am holding out hope.

Favorite Mommy

Apparently I am Gwendolyns' favorite mommy. So, my question to the child is, "how many mommies do you have?" She responed by naming off all her cousins and friends moms. I got a kick out of it and am glad that I ranked at the top.

Insecurities

I have a friend from the Garden I want to reach out to, but I am too insecure to call. I am afraid she wouldn't want to talk to me or we wouldn't have anything to say with our voices. I apparently am much more confident behind a keyboard. This suprises me, I am not a shy person. But I guess since our relationship is based on the internet, I don't know how to cross that barrier.
So now I just feel lame. S - I miss you. Not sure that you will see this, since you seem to be taking an internet (garden and blog) break.

Now I know my ABC's....

Nicole tagged me with an alphabet meme. Here goes:
A - Attached or Single? Attached.
B - Best Friend: Several that I’m very grateful for this week in particular.
C - Cake or Pie: Cake with cream cheese frosting.
D - Drink of Choice: Water. Sad but true.
E - Essential Item: chap stick
F - Favorite Color: Used to be purple. Now it’s red
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? Bears. Really neither. Chocolate please.
H - Hometown: Fairbanks forever it seems.
I - Indulgence: internet time in the Garden and cheesy TV.
J - January or February: Both are the same—cold and dark.
K - Kids: Two, one innie and one outie.
L - Life is incomplete without: A dream or vacation planned.
M - Marriage Date: June 9, 2001.
N - Number of Siblings: One older brother.
O - Oranges or Apples? Granny smith apples, with a little carmel to dip them in
P - Phobias/Fears: parental dementia.
Q - Favorite Quote: It's all good.
R - Reasons to smile: My babies
S - Season: Summer, for the opportunity to be outside in the warmth
T - Tag: Anyone who wants to play with me :)
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I barely graduated high school.
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? I am a huntress
W - Worst Habit: blowing bubbles with my gum.
X - X-rays or Ultrasounds? I like ultrasounds better, because of what they show you.
Y - Your Favorite Food: hmmmm, tacos.
Z - Zodiac: Virgo.

21 pounds and more

I have my doubts that Owen gained a pound in a week, considering he has NEVER done that. But, that is what the scale said last night. I think it was the wet diaper I failed to remove.
I was concerned about the lack of improvement in his eye lids and that his allergy meds weren't helping. I saw a pediatrician, who happens to be a childhood friend. She thought the scaly concern was excema and referred me to the dermatologist. She didn't want to give him a steroid cream because he would wipe it in his eye and cause cataract. That will hopefully take less that the 6 weeks it took last time to get in. (nope, just made the appt for late June dammit)
She also showed concern about his lack of weight gain and referred me to a nutricionist. I don't know how helpful that will be, but I am willing to give it a try. He is sooo finicky and won't try anything. One of the suggestions the Dr gave when talking about what I would learn, tip wise, was to add olive oil to mashed potatoes for more fat. That would be you assuming the child would let mashed potatoes grace his lips. NOPE!! (next week for this one)
She wants to see us back in a month and has some tests in mind to run if he isn't gaining better. I think I will start asking to see her versus the woman I have considered our pediatrician, in the same office. I like that I know her and have since kindergarden.

Gwendolyn has grown 2 inches since her birthday 2 months ago. How did that happen?? She is getting more opinionated about what she wants to wear and what she WILL wear. I haven't been able to get a pair of jeans on her in many months, doesn't like the feel. It is all soft pants or better yet a dress or skirt. She is picky about which dress, "no the other one, the warm one". I will have to take a picture of her closet, it is insane full, yet we reach for the same thing 85% of the time.
She has also mastered the art of chewing gum and asks for it everyday. It always goes in the trash when she is done and she hasn't swallowed it in months. Now I have one more thing to tell her "no" about, lovely. She is a master of puzzles and can put together a puzzle, no cover picture, no edge done first, like it is nothing. I didn't appreciate the rareness of this till another friend was over and had to coach her daughter through the whole puzzle combining experience, start to finish.
We leave for Kodiak in a couple weeks and then she starts pre-school when we come home. She will go on Tuesday and Thursday, 8:30 - 3:30. She will have lots of kids in her class that she already knows, which is nice. She has been doing better about not "riding" on things the last few weeks, thankfully. I am excited for her to gain interaction skills and sharing. I can't wait to receive class artwork for my fridge, ahhhh. She will do gymnastics each day too.

OK, I suppose this was about more than just Owens weight :)

Mothers Day

It is hard to let myself enjoy Mothers Day, when I still try to make it special for my Mom and MIL. Matt has had to work 3 out of my 4 specials days. This means I go about being a mother in the same capacity that I do every other day of the year. I would like, some year, to wake up and actually have the whole day be about me.

This was actually the 2nd best yet. Normally I am dismal in attitude, with rightful reason, that I will get nothing and have a "normal" day with no celebration. Matt is notorious (in my eyes) for not having time to shop for me and in turn I feel like an ass for have any expectations. Makes for a crappy day for me. I will give little reminders, "I already bought your mother her present, so you don't have to worry about that one....", to remind him the day is coming up. I knew that him and the kids had went shopping last week, so less anxiety for me over whether I was getting anything or not. I did have to answer the question, "how much sould I/can I spend?". I hate answering that, but I am the one in charge of money in our home. I gave him broad answers so as to not take away any chance of suprise for me, "if it is this much, take from this account.....if it is more, charge it".

I knew he had to work yesterday and I had a big day planned for my moms graduation with her masters degree. He had the decency to warn me in the morning that there wasn't a present laid out for me yet, but he would take care of it that night. I like that he told me versus letting me brood all day thinking he had forgotten about me. Although it would have taken him 2 minutes to sign the card and the present was wrapped at the store already, but anyhow.

I came home with Gwendolyn a little after he did with Owen, from the party. He had left the present of the corner of the kitchen counter for me, why he could come hand it to me I'll never figure out. He has given me DVD's of the Friends series over the last few holidays and that is what I anticipated getting this time, and it was the right size package. But, I could tell someone else had wrapped it, since there was a bow on it. I brought it into the bedroom to open it in front of him and I commented about my original theory and how I was starting to think that it wasn't a DVD. I open it and it is a beautiful strand of pearls. I have been wanting and asking for these since we have been together. I love them and I love that he has been listening (a little at least). He was brave enough to take both kids into a jewlery store and he said these were the ones that Gwendolyn picked out and Owen wanted the colorful ones (blech to me). He knew I wanted classic looking ones. I had told him about a radio announcement that one of our jewlery stores was closing after 20 years and had specials going on. That is where he went, so my prodding helped. Hey, I am not above dropping hints. He doesn't always get them, but I leave them.

My mom liked her party and the brochade bag I got her and my MIL loved the pansy dress by Nita. It is a beautiful dress and she appreciates the work that went into it and the material. I plan on getting her a potted pansy when it is staying warmer outside, so that a gift is "actually" for her. The pansy dress is a size 3T and is for Gwendolyn to wear and grandma to appreciate. Everyone thought it was very beautiful and it indeed is!! Thank you Nita and I will post some pictures soon.

I hope all the other mothers had a wonderful day too!!

They are not the same babies

Apparently Owen thinks I needed a reminder, that they are indeed different babies. Jeez this teething thing with him is a world appart from how it was with Gwendolyn. You never knew she had a tooth coming in, ever. I have know when every tooth in Owens mouth was coming in. These molars have been the absolute worst. There is enough snot and drool to drown a pig. He cries if you look at him, or if you look away. His fingers are shoved in his mouth always and he is back to chewing on toys. My biggest beef is him being in pain and me being unable (in his eyes) to make him happy or comfortable. I am alternating tylenol and Ibuprophrin (sp) and giving him the homeopathic teething tablets.

He is also drugged up on Zyrtec for his assumed seasonal allergies, along with $85 eye drops. They don't seem to be making much of a difference yet, but I haven't given up hope yet. Him and his poor eyes. I hope someday that he has "normal" eyes with no issues. They seem to be the worst area of his allergy issues and are all red and swollen and itchy. I am afraid that he will rub his tubes right out of his tear ducts. I am sure that the stitches have dissolved by now and they are capable of coming out. The goal is to keep them in 6-8 months and then the ducts will be good to go. I has only been 5 weeks. They are stitched into his nasal passage with dissolvable stitches.

The small bit of good news is that he broke 20 pounds when he went in last week for allergies. Woohoo!!! He is 20lb 8ounces. He is still little and food picky, but he is growing slowly but surely. I hold out hope that he will eventually catch up and be a average size. I have had a couple people comment about how it is good that Gwendolyn is older and spunky, since she will have to look out for him and beat up on people for him. I don't want him to be the little kid in the class and get picked on for it.

Mommy Smell

That little girl of mine can melt my heart sometime. I base a lot of my memories on smell, certain scents bring back certain memories.
Anytime I smell Chanel perfume, I think of my mom. It is her smell and I can pick it out anywhere. I love it!!
Gwendolyn and I were cuddling on the couch yesterday and she pauses and leans in close to me and sniffs. She then lovingly says, "you smell like Mommy". Ahhhhh, I loved hearing that. I had no perfume on and had actually not showered yet, but I must have had my natural mom smell going on. Still brings a smile to my face.

Stress

I hate when another persons mood and stress carries over and is able to affect me. I like to think that is the only issue and there is nothing else to worry about. Aack, life can be overwhelming sometimes.

Oh, and HATE seasonal allergies.

I feel selfish...

I feel selfish because part of my concern with the whole T situation is how it will affect the Garden. I worry that it is driving women away and I hate the idea of losing my Garden gals. I have come to rely on them so much over the last few years and can't imagine not having them around. It still amazes me that they all hold such a big spot in my heart, when I have only met 2 of them in real life. I have seen a few ladies "voice" their hurt and betrayal and thoughts of not coming around for a while or ever. That bums me out so much. Coincidentally, the Garden site has been changed and you log in elsewhere. My panic at not being able to access my online world was significant. I can't imagine not having these ladies in my life.
So now I feel like a heel for thinking of myself when there is obviously another who deserves more attention.

Huge decision to make for my future

This all seems trivial in comparison to what another friend is facing right now. T, my heart goes out to you.
As for in my world, I need to decide if I am going to work for my family business or continue where I am.
I work at a Non-profit organization and have for 7 years.
It is a Youth Court program, a diversion from the formal juvenile justice system. We have youth who are trained as attorneys and take real juvenile cases to court. I have been slacking off lately (last couple of years) and know I am doing the program a disservice and someone could really expand my position. Damn Gardening time is much more fun than actual work, LOL, I know some of you can relate. I love my work and get enjoyment and satisfaction from my work with the kids. I can still volunteer with them or be on the Board of Directors and be super useful there. I work m-f, 9:30-5, later on thursdays since that is court night. Occasional saturdays for special occasions. I get to travel once a year for a conference of some sort. I have no retirement to consider.

New job would be in the office, with no out and about during the day. Laid back atmosphere, answering phones and data entry. I would job share with my SIL, three days a week, 7:30-4:30. So, 2 extra days with the kiddos. I would take a loss of $2000 a year, but would probably make up for that with not eating out at lunch. It has old school dial up, but I would probably force the DSL issue. If and when we have more kids, I could bring them to this office as well. It would ease up the burden on MIL of watching them 5 days a week, to only 3. My dad would be my boss, not sure if that is a pro or con? There will probably be retirement in the future, but we don't have that arranged right now.
There are way more thoughts and pros and cons, but this is a start to my thought process.

More thoughts..
The set-up would not be a controlling boss kinda thing, more just that he is ultimately in charge. When he is ready to retire in 4 years my DH would then assume that position. And he sure the hell would not be my boss, LOL
I have been dreading taking on any new projects at work and there are lots of areas that I could really expand the program. I have been mentally done with ambition here for a while. I am nervous about giving up this job, since it is sooo cake and comfortable. I don't imagine it would ever come back around again, I would just have to be happy where I was at. I do like the feeling I have of importance in the community and the connections I have made.I don't dread going to work, but I slack off all day and don't think it is very fair.
All day (3 hours, LOL) that I have been at work I have been mentally relieved when I think ahead to upcoming events and I think to myself "it will be nice to not have to deal with that" Does that mean I have mentally made up my mind and I am already on short timers syndrome?

Look good always....or sometimes?

I was thinking this morning how rare it is that I put effort into my appearance, such as make-up and "done" hair. I know that there are a lot of women out there who won't leave the house without being completely done up. I just don't feel I have the time, most mornings. I shower while the kids are still sleeping and then get dressed and get them up. I come back to me while they are eating breakfast and take the towel off my hair and do as much as I feel like with it. Normally not much. Back to the kids and getting them dressed and we are all out the door.
I am thinking I like my way better. My reasoning is as follows. If you dress up every day and always wear make-up and always do your hair nice, people stop noticing. They then notice if you do nothing and have a "natural" day and then think you look like crap or something is wrong. Me, I am "natural" most days and people tend to notice me and pay me compliments on the days that I put effort in (at least 2 work days a week).
My point is, I would rather be noticed for looking good than looking like crap.

Maternal yearnings

Owen weaned a couple months back, in preparation for my vacation among other things. I am floored by the maternal yearning to pull that child to my breast and nurse him right now. In the couple days leading up to his surgery and ever since, I feel such a pull to that. He is still on the small side and currently not interested in eating even the few things he would previous let past his lips. I am desprate to get him interested in food or find that magic morsel that he will devour. I start thinking to myself, if he was nursing I would know he was getting some nutrients.....oh the mothers heartache. I have crazy thoughts of relactating with my 16 months old, a bit unrealistic.

Gwendolyn-ism

Gwendolyn has a movie at the inlaws called Scamper. It is about a little penguin, she loves it and asks to watch it frequently. Apparently they also picked up Happy Feet this last week, another penguin movie. Which by the way, has taught her to nose dive off the couch and she tried on the stairs but was caught before impact. Anyhow, I was dropping them off this morning and she started asking me where her scamper feet were, while looking at her feet. I am thinking to myself "does she have slippers that I am not aware of"? It finally dawned on me that she wanted to watch Happy Feet and that was her way of asking, toddler style. So cute.

Owen's eye surgery yesterday

Owen has small, clogged tear ducts, that either needed to be probed and popped open or tubed for a time period, to learn to be open. This is the information we had going in to the surgery and we would learn more once Dr. Zambar got in there and poked around. He has had numerous eye infections in the last year and would face a lifetime of them if we didn't correct them now. 18 months is the optimal time to do the surgery.
This is the look he will give you if you ask to see his teeth, LOL.

That was a sucky experience that I hope to never have to go through again. The surgery took two hours and the Dr said Owen's passage was a challenge, but he was up for it. He ended up being middle of the road, not simple, but didn't have to build him any tear ducts. He did have to place 4 tubes into all his ducts and they need to stay for at least 6 months. The sucky part was him coming out of sedation. Wow, that was probably more tramatic for me, but it was no fun. They brought him into the room we were waiting in, after the recovery room, once he came to. His "come to" was only half way there. They are kinda freaked out for up to an hour and just cry because they don't understand the fog they are in. The odd and I do mean odd sounding cry was the hard part. You could tell he had no idea what was going on or where he was, he just cried with an animal instinct (so I cried too). We came home and continued to fight the sedation for the rest of the day. He never napped for more than 20 minutes and when he did he went to sleep crying and would wake with the same animal cry that he had that morning. Fortunately, he slept well last night and woke up 95% himself today.
Now we wait and hope that these stay in and do the trick. There is always the chance that he could pull them out, via the corner of his eye, but they are stiched into his nasal passage and will hurt if he does yank on them. These stiches will disolve in 4 weeks. We also have to be careful when rubbing gunk out of the corner of his eyes to not catch the tubes and pull them out. I actually cannot see them. The said we might be able to see them in the corner of his eye. They are the width of a pencil lead and I think are a shiny silver. He had a little bloody nose off and on yesterday, but otherwise you cannot tell a thing visually.

1st child versus 2nd child

Gwendolyn has been in swim class since she was 10 months old. We go every Saturday and love it. She has always been the star of the class and loves the attention and seems to seek it out. We started Owen on lessons (parent/tot for both of them) when he was 6 months old. It was more that we were already there with Gwendolyn, why not put Owen in the water too theory. Owen has just kinda existed in the class, not digging it nor hating it. Two weeks ago Gwendolyn moved up the the pre-school class and doesn't need me anymore (boohoo). This mean Owen is an only child for the first time in his life. He is LOVING it!! He has taken her spot mentally and wants everyone to notice him and his swim-ability in the class. You can hear him when you walk into the building, he is laughing and having a blast. Prior, he showed no interest in climbing out and jumping in, now he is a pro. It was amazing to watch him blossom without his sister's shadow. Cousin Matia is in the class too and they love to be around each other.
Gwendolyns class is now held right after Owens and I have to stand and watch at the balcony like all the other parents. She is in a class with one other girl and 4 boys. She is doing great. I wish her new teacher would realize her ability before he sets her back to the dog paddle. He holds her hands when she jumps in and helps her swim back to the side of the pool. Let her go fool, she can do it herself. Every few minutes she hollars out for me to make sure I am watching her. Too cute.
I am so proud of my little swimmers.

Technologically depressed

I came across an article recently that mentioned how different things will be for the upcoming generation of kids versus how it was for me 15-25 years ago. I can remember road trips with my family with such fond memories. My brother and I would be in the back of the truck, the back seat of the car or truck, or even in the camper on the back of the truck. We had each other to rely upon for entertainment. We would spend hours making up games or playing old reliable ones. I can remember a game of War (card game) that lasted a whole weekend. We would occasionally allow the other to cheat, just to keep the game going. My bother is 18 months older than me and apparently was a quicker thinker than me. One of his favorite games was for me to "draw" on his back with my fingernails and he would guess what I was drawing. Looking back on it, I know he was just trying to get a back scratch out of me. Another that was a frequent favorite was to sing a part of a song and see if the other could guess either the title or the artist. I sucked at that one and still do, Matt tries to get me to play that even now. As a family we traveled all over the State of Alaska, but we always managed a few weekends a summer in Valdez. Valdez is 350 miles from home. That made for long hours on the road. I loved it!!
My concern with how things will be different for my children is the lack of imagination they will be afforded. Keep in mind this is all a choice and we are the ones doing the raising of these kids. I can already see how road trips will pan out in the future....got the DVD's for the player in the car?? Check!! Everyother time we get in my Yukon, Gwendolyn is asking to turn on the movie player. If she doesn't then Owen is grunting and pointing in his so eloquent way. If we are going to be driving for a while, I will allow that treat and turn on Bugs Life for them (that was in the car when we bought it and I haven't brought another movie to the car yet, so that is the only choice). They are starting to take it for granted and want it everytime. My reaction, NO!! This brought me around to thinking about how I entertained myself on road trips and how they are demanding stimuli on a cross town 15 minute run. Hey kids, bring a book or sing a song.
Speaking of singing a song, I never got around to completing CK's tag, since only one of the CD's in my Yukon are mine. I have a 6 disc changer and they (Gwendolyn) have taken pocession of 5 of them. My one CD is what you wonder? Eurithmics, yea baby, LOL. Pathetic the way I am being run out of my own car.
I just want to take things back to the basics and have my children be less technological than they seem to be heading. I am keeping my foot down on no TV in their room, phone doesn't matter anymore, they are all portable anyway. It is all very depressing.

What I've Done

See what I've done in boldtype.
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger.
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas (engaged, bachelorette party and 1st anniversary)
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark (YUM!)
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children/currently raising child
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (bear)
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life.

If you've read this consider your self tagged. I want to see all of my friends doing this!

Addictions

I used to smoke. I smoked for a little over 10 years, starting when I was around 14. I quit on Christmas eve 2000. I didn't want to be a bride standing there in her wedding dress with a cigarette hanging from her lips. Wasn't an image I wanted. I still want a cigarette at least once a week. I am smart enough to know that I cannot be a casual smoker, it is either all or nothing with me. I could never understand some of my friends who could just smoke when we were out drinking and then have nothing to do with it the rest of the week. There are times it smells so appealing that I feel my heart start to race and I salivate. Crazy the way an addiction can control a person.
I now find myself addicted to Chai tea, namely the brand Big Train that comes in powdered form that you milk with steamed milk. WOW, it is so good. I like the spiced flavor the best, but will drink the vanilla or chocolate too. It has started to bother me that I DO feel addicted to drinking this stuff. I am realizing this and have started to limit the amount of times I am allowed it during a given week. Monday is double punch day at the drive thru coffee shot, so that is my splurge day. The stuff is expensive and fattening, plus I feel addicted. How do I feel addicted you wonder? I get raging lack of caffine headaches if I don't start my morning off with one. I can barely stay awake to get through the day if I don't have one. I am addicted to caffine. It effects me in the biggest way. I don't tend to drink caffinated things while pregnant, definately not while nursing under 6 months of age. So, that is a fairly long time to go without caffine. Once I start introducing caffine back into my body I talk really fast and shake a little and there is no going to sleep for me till at least 8 hours have passed. Crazy I tell you!!
With this new goal of limiting the Chia intake, I find myself talking me out of buying a chai practically everyday. Conversations in my head go along the lines of "you can do it, keep driving past, you don't need chai, you are stronger than that". Other days it is more "you got up and out of the house early for Church, you deserve to stop, or, you have a long day ahead of you, you need it". I can rationalize anything I want. But it bothers me that I feel addicted to chia. It is helping me understand my husbands need for coffee in the morning. Up till now, I never really got it. Coffee tastes and smells like crap and I couldn't understand a persons need to drink that crap to start the day off. Chia on the otherhand tastes like heated up heaven in a cup!! I'm drooling, luckily it is monday and that is double punch day, so I am allowed the indulgance.

Sledding

All ready to go sledding for the first time

Gwendolyn went many times and Owen only went twice. He was so low to the ground that the snow flew right up into his face. The second time he went I had him stand up between my legs and behind Gwendolyn and he liked that better. We had lots of fun and will be going again soon. We went with my parents on Saturday.

Life changes for a parent

I find myself wondering if I have sacrificed enough of myself to be a mom. I feel like I still have lots of my old identity left. At least once a week I have some extra curricular thing going on, whether it be with a volunteer group I am a member of, an evening out with the girls for Bunko, dinner with hubby, or some other random activity. I feel like I am always pawning off the kids to go do something I would like. Does it make me a bad mom to still have a life or will I instill in my children the value of being well rounded? I gave up softball when I got pregnant with Gwendolyn and haven't done it again yet. I miss it, but have sacrificed that for the kiddos. I don't remember my mom having much of a life when we were little. My parents life was us kids, as coaches, chauffeurs, supporters, or parents. I wonder what my kids will think of their mom when they reflect back on their youth.

Lock them in a closet now

Wow, I attended a nine hour gang awareness training yesterday. The realities of the World make me want to lock my babies in a closet and let them out in 20 years. I live in a secluded corner of the World and should not have to face these realities. We have a lot of Military and various other transplants that bring to "real world" to Alaska and we are starting to see a gang issue.
There were pictures of gang memebers during the presentation and I was amazed at the split personalities of a few of the people. You would see this nice innocent looking little girl in one picture and then the next she was yeilding a semiautomatic gun and throwing gang signs, looking all evil. I think she is sticking in my mind the most she it was a female and my oldest is a female. Makes me ever more determined to send them to a small private school and shelter them. I know that is not the answer, there are many more factors in how a person turns out, but I've got to think it will help.
It is very scary being a parent and I don't see it getting any easier.

Three years ago

I was blessed with a baby girl. I am still amazed that I am a mommy and that you are my little girl. I had great intentions of writing a letter to you yesterday, but instead we spent the day having fun together. We gave out suckers at the local middle school for mommy's work, then you came to the office with me for a while. We managed to get your three year old pictures taken, but just barely. I suppose having too much fun with you is a good excuse for not writing out a proper happy birthday.
I love you more than I thought possible. I love to watch you sleep, play, read, swim, jump, dance, and more. I am touched at how you can share these moments with your brother, though not always. I love that you want to see him in first thing in the morning and are always concerned with where he is and what he is doing.
Seeing the world through your eyes makes a person realize all the fun and exciting things available in an ordinary day. You have countless energy and no desire to sit still. You have recently decided that dresses are the only appropriate form of clothing. Fortunately I love to shop and this has not been an issue. I hope the desire to wear pants and shorts comes back around, I have lots of cute outfits awaiting you. You outgrew your excema and bumps a couple months ago and we were all very happy. Yippy for building up immunity.
You love to watch hockey live and will cheer for the Nanooks. You have overcome your fear of the Nanook mascot and we have to go find him every game. Your favorite song is Baby Beluga and we have to play it every other song in Mommys car, sometimes I am allowed to sing along, but not always. During the last year you have continued to take parent/tot swim and excel at swimming. Now that you are three you can do lessons on your own. I think it is an exciting transition, but I am mourning that time we had together. You also took a few months of parent/tot tumble. You had fun, but it was no where near as fun as swimming. Plus, you peed on the tumble mat and emberassed the heck out of me. We tried our hand at parent/tot story time at the library and enjoyed it. I think you sat still better for Daddy though. You love going to Church and run off and check yourself into the nursery without me. Since you are there, brother feels safe and will stay there too. You didn't have that person, so I had to miss Church and play in the nursery with you more often than not during the end of one and into two years old.
You can count to 17 without fail and sometimes more than that. You can sing your ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle, Jesus loves me, Mary had a little lamb, and many others. You are so excited about the possibility of going to school and riding the school bus. I really don't think you will be riding a bus, unless it is to a field trip though, sorry.
We got you a Fisher Price digital camera for your birthday and you have been taking tons of pictures. Prior to this, you would use random objects as cameras and make people pose for you. The gift was a no brainer. We are having a party for you on Sunday at Aaka and Aapas house with all your cousins and friends. There will be food and cupcakes and you guys will make smiley-face-permant-playdoh characters. Mainly, you will be running around tearing up the house and having fun.
You have a very special relationship with all your grandparents. You have unique things you do with each of them and look forward to time with them all. You and Grandma Mary like to read. You like to wrestle with you Poppa Rufus. You like to feed the fishies and frost cookies with your Aapa. You like to make brownies and lick the bowl with your Aaka. They are all humored when you call them on the phone and can mostly understand you. You talk frequently and fast, in general.
I could go on and on, but there is too much you are wonderful at and so much new you learn everyday. I love you with all me heart and could not imagine my life without you in it. You are my joy and sunshine, my greatest accomplishment yet my biggest fear. Thank you for every minute, of every day, my sweet baby girl.

Owen has surpassed a monkey

Owen is only allowed his yiyi (pacifier) when in his crib for bed, as is Gwendolyn. At my parents house his crib is upstairs in the kids room, which BTW is normally gated off. Owen loves to walk around with this little plastic golf club and hit at balls and balloons. The club is always in his hand when he is there. I guess the other day he went up stairs and was trying to reach through the crib slats to get his yiyi, even tried to pull the blanket to get the yiyi to come with. It didn't work. Not too long later he was downstairs playing with his precious golf club and according to my Dad you could visibly see when he made the connection that the club might just get him the yiyi. He takes off at a fast waddle and climb up the non-gated stairs to his bedroom. Sure as anything, the precious golf club was able to reach the yiyi and all was well. My brother commented when he heard the story "that right there, is where man surpassed monkey in brain function" I prefer to be proud of my boy and his reasoning skills and ability to strategize and problem solve.

Maui vacation

We had a wonderful, relaxing time. We were there for our honeymoon 5 years ago and saw and did everything we wanted to at that time. We were able to just sit on the beach or poolside and relax as much as our hearts desired this trip. We left the kids at home, which was nice for us to relax, but we both missed the heck out of them. We plan on taking them and a grandparent with us next year. They will be old enough to enjoy the ocean at that time. It would have been miserable if we brought them, since they were both laid up with bad colds when we left and most of the time we were gone. That made it harder to leave them, sick and miserable. But they were in good hands.